Relationships

I was hoping to avoid this blog, but why avoid talking about parts of my life? I didn’t know how much detail I wanted to give either, but then thought I’d be cheating myself if I didn’t write about certain things...I’d be lying to all of you and to myself.

I wasn’t a relationship person and I admit that. I'm still not. I can’t say I had a high school sweetheart and definitely can’t say there was a college boyfriend. It just never was a priority. Sure I had "crushes", but never put the energy into pursuing them or even making myself available even if they were interested in pursuing me.

There is really only relationship of which to speak. I’ve only had one relationship that lasted more than a few months, and that was with Monroe. I was with him from August 2003 until March 2006. It wasn’t all bad. It was mostly good actually. I have a lot of fond memories of him and make reference to him quite a few times while reflecting on my 20s during this blog project. He and I are were only together for 3.5 years, but he was with me through some hard times. We started dating a few months after my father died and he was with me the while my mother was dying. I will always be grateful to him for that.

Monroe and  I.  We look so young.  

We very rarely fought and thinking back on that...maybe that was the problem. Not that we should have fought, but we should have communicated. I should have communicated. I let the little things bottle up inside me until they eventually took me over from the inside. I wasn’t happy and didn’t know how to express it. When he chose to move to Columbus instead of Yellow Springs, I was so furious, but I didn't communicate that. I wasn't able to say that I was upset that he chose Columbus over me, but thinking about it now, I chose Yellow Springs and my own desire to live by myself for once over him. I did try to make it work. I would drive up to Columbus to see him any chance I could take, but he only came to Yellow Springs once, and that was to use my shower since there was something wrong with his water at his apartment. He didn't stay the night. I remember driving to Columbus in the pouring rain to surprise him. I showed up at the Spikedriver's show that I knew he was attending. I snuck up behind him to say hello. He turned around, saw it was me, said hello, and turned his back to me. I was so hurt, but again, I didn't tell him that. I just sat in a booth by myself while he was having fun.

I thought about how I acted during the show. I didn't want to be that girl who sulks in the corner while her boyfriend and his friends had fun. I couldn't lead this life, but I wasn't capable of telling him how much it hurt. So I decided I needed a break to figure things out. This was January, and I told him I needed a month and that he should call me. He never called me. I must have been unclear with my communication. Surprise surprise. I did see him in March when he showed up to a DARC fish fry with some of our friends. I was a bit blind-sighted, but happy to see him. I told him I would swing by his mom's house the next day since he was staying there. I officially ended it then.

I did honestly think we’d get back together once I was over whatever was going on in my head and was able to communicate. I thought I was doing him a favor by distancing myself from him while I tried to learn how to express my feelings. I waited too long and he moved on. I resented the woman. I was about to type out why I resented her, but never told him that or apologized to her for my actions. I've learned how to communicate since our breakup. I need to tell them first. I owe them that.

I miss his family the most.  Holiday dinner with his uncle and mother.

I know it may seem like I am taking the entire blame for the way things ended. I know he contributed to the demise, but I am owning up to what I did wrong and that was a lack of communication. What it all boils down to with Monroe is that I loved him dearly and still do. I wish him nothing but happiness with his new family.

I find this picture to be weird, because I never called him by his first name.  When we met, he was going by Monroe, his middle name.  He'll always be Monroe to me though.

There really hasn’t been anyone else because I did the same thing I did before Monroe, make myself unavailable. Then in desperate attempts to make myself more human I would spring something up on someone with whom I only had a casual relationship and say that we should be together. I did this knowing I did not truly want to be together in that way. I just wanted to know I was capable of being in a relationship.

I met people. I dated. I had moments in the boudoir....and well, other places. I just didn’t put a whole lot of effort into anything of substance. I don’t know if I was punishing myself for how I ended things with Monroe or genuinely had no desire.

I would distance myself from any potential relationship. When speaking about someone I would give them nicknames or talk about them in trivial ways. Poor Oompa Loompa. He was very nice and he brewed his own beer, but his Pumpkin Ale just wasn’t enough to keep me interested. I used his height as an excuse to not really give it a shot. Looking back, it’s a good thing.

I did date a Frenchman for awhile...until he got deported. We split up after that. Living in Yellow Springs I didn’t even want to date anyone in Cincinnati, which was an hour away. Why would I date someone in France?

He may have been French, but he was good looking....

....and he was into me.  C'est la vie.
(This picture would be so perfect if it wasn't for that strand of hair.  Funny.  Lots of things would be perfect if...)

There were others like Pierre. Yes, there were other international men in the mix, but nothing serious of course. It was a big joke that I had a passport of men and I’m oddly proud of that fact. There was Luxembourg, Australia, New Zealand, France and Zimbabwe. I love accents. I haven’t had any stamps in awhile, maybe I’ll plan to go around the world while in my 30s. I’m hopeful that I’ll grow as a person and not feel the need for anymore stamps.

I don’t really know where I am now. I haven’t decided if I want to pursue anything or be pursued. It’s still not in my nature to need a relationship. I do know I want children and think a child would benefit from having two parents. I am not, however, against adopting a child and raising him or her on my own once I know I am financially stable. I seriously think this will be the route I take.